selling your goat

There is an old Jewish story about a man who lives in a very small house with his wife, many children, no space, and very little money. So the man goes to his rabbi for advice: "Rabbi, you are so wise, and here I am living in a small house, with no light and little space. And I am so poor. What can I do?" The rabbi listens and instructs the man: "Go to the market, buy a goat, and put the goat inside the house with you for a week and then come back to me." The man is shocked: "But, rabbi, as I told you, I have very little space and money. If I buy a goat, I won't have any space and I'll lose all my money." But the rabbi insists: "Get that goat!" So the man buys the goat. He takes it home with him. The goat eats the furniture. It's too big and takes up all the space in the small home. The man's life is miserable. After a week, he goes to the rabbi and cries: "Rabbi, I put a goat inside my house. There is really no space anymore. Please help!" The rabbi responds: "Go to the market, sell your goat, and come back to me in one week." The man sells the goat and returns after a week to the rabbi. "Rabbi, this week my life was great! With no goat in the house, it's really huge now and my family and I have so much space to live in. And after selling the goat, I actually have more money. You are a very wise man, rabbi!" 

 I'm not Jewish nor am I too big on story-telling (though I could read books all day), but my yoga teacher on Sunday morning told us this story. Immediately after when I called my mother for Mother's Day, I was ecstatic about this story. Something about it just really clicked with me. I think I heard Edith (my teacher) say it before during one of the rare occurrences that I am able to attend her classes, but it just sticks with me. You just have to sell your goat when it gets tough. When you don't want something in your life anymore, think about it  -- and just sell your goat. I'm sure it's easier said than done and I certainly haven't tried it yet.

Last night, I spontaneously had the opportunity to go down to the Kennedy Center to see The Sun Also Rises. It's one of my favorite books and no doubt was I going to like it as much as I like the book, but there's something about seeing dancers that I really love. it's just so beautiful. I didn't get to eat dinner before the show, but when I came back at 11:15 I met up with Kim and had a grilled cheese. And afterwards we split frozen yogurt. And it felt so, so normal.

I have been blessed with so much love & light in my life. I can bend over backwards (maybe just with a wall's help, but nevertheless, I did a dropback for the first tie in my life yesterday!), I can run a mile in less than seven minutes, I have access to fresh water whenever I want it, I go to a private college with professors that not only want to help me with schoolwork but also want to know what goes on in my life, and even more. I always forget how blessed I am that I have been presented with all of these opportunities. Life is so, so short. I know a lot of this feels new age-y and trendy and whatever but I don't know how else to make people believe how much I have changed & grown in the past month. I feel like I did midway through my freshman year of college, when I wrote this:

Am I the girl that realized happiness was more important than anything else? That a number on a scale, the color of my hair, how many stray eyebrows I have...really don't matter at all? That I realized how much of my life was wasted by being unhappy, selfish, and sick?

That's not to say I don't have my downfalls.

I get drunk. I hook up with a boy who is obviously in love with me because I can. I self-destruct by forcing friendships, but I let myself go. I talk. I have fun. I dance. I whip my hair back and forth. I eat what I want. I go to hot yoga and engage in conversations with my teacher about everything. I run and laugh and smile and EXIST. I've never existed like this.

 Except I am not the 18-year-old who wrote that anymore, but I can sense how bounce-y off the walls I was feeling then, and I definitely feel it again. I hope it lasts, and if it doesn't, I can just let go of the goat.

:)