This is water, this is water.

In my Chinese Philosophy class this semester (class that changed my life, definitely, as silly and cliched as that sounds), we watched David Foster Wallace's commencement speech "This is Water."

The video really struck home with me, especially this quote.

"The only thing that’s capital-T True is that you get to decide how you’re going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship."

For awhile I was living my life thinking that things in the world -- foods, people, clothes -- had some sort of inherent property that made them either good or bad. I placed judgments on things that did not need to be judged. I never stopped to take a second to think that maybe it was me that was doing the judgments. Take avocados for example. a pretty out-there example but nevertheless, pretty relevant to this topic. For awhile (about two or three months) I wouldn't touch an avocado. I was 'afraid' of the avocado, so to speak. It didn't matter if it was on a sandwich or in a salad, I'd pick around it, consciously not letting myself touch it. Let's get this straight -- avocados are delicious. they are green healthy blobs of delicious. they are also green healthy blobs of (unsaturated) fats.
So I wouldn't touch them.
Fat is the female enemy. But an avocado didn't choose to contain fats and there is nothing wrong with the avocado. The thing that's 'wrong' is the judgments I was making about the avocado. I was convinced it was bad and that the fact that it was bad mattered to me and it drove me crazy. It wasn't just avocados, it was nuts, peanut butter, foods I loved and adored but for some reason just couldnt touch because I associated them with that same 'bad' quality. But it was me making the bad quality. Not the avocado.
Today I ate some of an avocado with chicken at lunch. And you know what? It was freaking delicious.

It is ALL a matter of perception. and realizing that you are perceiving things a certain way takes a lot of practice.

for awhile, I was very caught up in my running and training rituals. I had to know how many miles I ran, how far I went, the average pace per mile, etc. I was automatic about splits, what times I could eat before practice, how many miles I could put on my shoes. Midway through the season I ran an awesome 8x800 workout, mostly by myself, after eating six godiva chocolates earlier in the morning, not running at all during spring break, and not expecting to do a workout at all. My automatic, ritualized overdrive led me nowhere but a big DNF and a stress reaction. I realized it all too late in the game, but my running is not going to be taken over by my silly mind.

One of my favorite (and most idolized) runners is Natosha Rogers of Texas A&M. though she's recently taken a running hiatus, that doesn't mean her accomplishments are less valid.

NCAA 10K champion. and a second place finish at the Olympic Trials (though she didn't have the A standard and couldn't run in the trials)...after this.

That's something that would have ruined my race, not given me a second place finish...in front of Shalane Flanagan. Reading some interviews with her, she said something that really stuck with me and related to everything I've learned in Steve's class this semester. 

Well, to be honest, I don’t run with a watch and I don’t know how long I go every day. It sounds weird but I just do whatever I feel like every single day. It’s just how I am as a person. I’ve found that not being in control of my time or limited by a certain mileage has proven to be a good thing for me. 

and later...

 I don’t like to have a written out goal because I take disappointment really hard. I don’t think it’s good for myself to do that. My only goal for myself is just to do the very best I can while still maintaining a balance and a healthy, happy life.

Anyone who has that kind of approach to running is the kind of approach I want to have. I've recently been reading a book called Zen and the Art of Running which relates Zen Buddhism to running and tries to teach the practice of running with Zen mindset. so far it's been immensely helpful, even though I can't run until around June.
Just take a moment and realize you create your situation. You create what's going on around you. You create your reactions. No one else.
I'll leave you with something my coach emailed me after my DNF (which I don't regret, by the way, but I'm definitely still recovering from it):

You are in charge of you. You only need to run/race in the moment. You are clearly stuck with lots of opinions in your brain. And to successful for you, you need to let them go. You are right, if it isn't fun to race or come to practice then you maybe you shouldn't be doing this. I think we can fix this. You look really strong right now, but you need to trust you

And he's right. and we're going to fix it.

:)