Summer.

Home. My junior year of college is all over. It is almost surreal to think about so I'm not really trying to think about it. After some final fights with OIS I think China is as close as it will ever be, just one more letter to get  approved and one more to get mailed if they need it...which knowing them they probably will.

I had to say goodbye to some of the best people I've met in a long time.

I don't usually cry during goodbyes but I was crying when I left Kim. I was sitting in Kat's common room watching her pack with Hadley and Zoe and I just felt like bursting into tears. earlier in the day during yoga I felt so emotional for no reason and just wanted to sob. I don't know what has come over me. I am not even overwhelmed with emotion. I just feel like crying all the time. I think I really miss running, it's what held my emotions in check. without it and now without schoolwork, I feel like a wreck.

being at home is triggering and uncomfortable. I am so afraid it is going to spill into China but I just won't let it. I wish I could be alone; I feel so independent and don't need to hear my mom's opinions on antidepressants and other drugs or her opinions on therapists because they just put negative thoughts in my head that are so hard to get rid of when I'm not surrounded by the people I love. I'm an adult, I guess I could leave whenever I want. I owe everything to my parents, everything, I would be nowhere without them, but I am just not a family person outside of them.

This post was kind of a debbie downer, but sometimes I struggle so much with trying to be okay because I feel like because being sad is not 'okay' because I am 'fine' so whenever I'm upset I just try to mask it. Whatever is better or worse is up for grabs.
breathe breathe breathe. August will be here and cross country will start and Goucher and it will all be back soon.